A Serious Confession: I am an Addict

I have an addictive personality

Ok, although that last piece I wrote was fun and everything and people actually enjoyed it, more than I thought they would since I stepped out of my comfort zone, it is time to get serious for a few minutes. I have another confession. I say another confession because I wrote this last week.

That was a real confession of mine but it wasnt as serious as this one is. This confession is hard to write but as a fellow Medium writer, Natalie Frank, Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology) wrote this, right after I wrote my short, funny fiction piece, it made me realize that I stepped out of my comfort zone once, experimenting with my writing, which is important for creativity, inspiration, and growth in writing., So, I have decided to write another confession. Here goes nothing!

I am an addict and I go to a Suboxone clinic. Suboxone is a pill that you place under your tongue to replace the drugs you used to be on to keep you from taking those drugs anymore. It keeps you from craving anymore of those drugs you used to be on. It has a blocking agent in it that helps you stop using the drugs you were addicted to in the first place. One thing that I will mention and admit to is that all Suboxone really is, is trading one addiction for another. I am now addicted to Suboxone and get deathly sick if I don’t take it.

Whew! That feels better! I am not done yet though. If you are still reading and have made it this far, thank you for sticking with me without judging me. I will now tell you what I was addicted to. I was addicted to pain pills mostly. But I have done almost every kind of drug you can think of and have been addicted to all of them. Meth, Heroin, pain pills such as Percocet, Vicodin, and literally any kind of pain pill I could snort and any type of drug I could smoke, except for Crack and Cocaine. I refused to try them because I was afraid I would get too addicted and sell my body for them. I also refused to try LSD because I don’t want to hallucinate. I heard it was fun but I don’t get excited and thrilled when I see things that aren’t there.

What I do get happy about, and why I have to take the Suboxone, is the high feeling. The energy from the speed I used to take. Pain pills and meth, like Cocaine and Crack as my husband told me, are like speed and they will get you going with a ton of energy. But, so does Suboxone at first. Although it can also act like Heroin and make you nod off into sleep for a few minutes. Yet, what is so good about Heroin and Suboxone, is that once the nodding part is over, and I could never wait until it was over because I don’t like to sleep when I don’t really need it or don’t want it, is that you get a ton of energy from them too. I just don’t like the nodding to sleep for a few minutes part. It was always a good thing since it was only for a few minutes. However, sometimes, it would take a little longer.

I remember when my husband and I first tried Heroin. We snorted it one night and as soon as we did, we sat down across from each other, me on the sofa and him in his chair, and we started nodding to sleep at the same time. It seemed like a long time but I really don’t think it was as long as I thought it was. Once the nodding to sleep was over, we both jumped up and walked into the kitchen and started cleaning it. We had so much energy from it. It was an amazing feeling at the time.

I am not condoning doing drugs, believe me, I am the last person to do that since I have been an addict since I was 12-years-old, but it was an amazing rush and I loved it after the nodding part was over. That doesn’t mean it was a good idea and it doesn’t mean it is a good idea to do drugs, period. I am just being extremely honest and real here. That is the way I am. I am an honest person, with certain people. With others, I am a totally different person who hides behind herself to keep my secrets hidden from these people. The people I hide from are my parents but that is a whole different story that I also need to write about one day soon.

When I was 12, soon to be 13-years-old, my big brother, who was only 22-years-old at the time, was murdered by his soon-to-be ex-wife and her boyfriend, one of his so-called friends. That is also another story I will write about soon., I won’t forget because I already have the topic added to my Evernote idea notes. I will write it soon to tell you the story about what happened later. For now, let’s get back to my confession.

After my big brother died, I decided I was going to be just like him. I decided back then, when I was a little girl at almost 13-years-old, that it would be cool to smoke cigarettes, drink as much alcohol as I could and get drunk as much as I could, which was usually every night because I was able to get it all the time, and smoke pot and do whatever kind of drug that I wasn’t afraid to try at the time, and be just as cool as my brother was before he was killed. And, this is how my addictions started. The little 12-year-old addict was born.

I started smoking cigarettes and, sadly I am highly addicted now. I have been smoking for almost 27 years. I have switched to the vape in the past but went back to smoking. However, once my vape is fixed, I will be switching back and trying to quit, once again. I really do want to quit once and for all this time.

I also started drinking any kind of alcohol I could get my hands on back then. I drank anything I could and went to every party I was invited to. I even walked through town a few times with a soda can in my hands full of Vodka. I also used to take alcohol to school and take drinks in between classes. I would often come home from school drunk and then go drink more after school was over and come home when it was my curfew to be in the house, even more drunk. My mom caught on after a while and started grounding me but that didn’t stop me either. I would sneak alcohol into my room and drink in there. I would wake up with hangovers a lot and skip school often. I really hated school too and only enjoyed it when I was drinking in between classes and getting drunk.

I met who would become my now husband of 21 years when I was almost 18 and we drank together for a few years but we eventually both quit a few years later. I smoked a lot of pot back then too and would smoke it after school every single day. I now have short term memory loss and have to write everything down to keep from forgetting it. I believe I burnt a few brain cells smoking too much pot when I was a teenager. I quit smoking pot once I met my husband because he didn’t do it at all.

So, there you have it. I am an addict with an addictive personality. Although I don’t do anything but Suboxone and smoke cigarettes now, I have to be careful that I don’t fall off the wagon. It is a struggle for me all the time but I am doing good now.

I have been a professional writer for 14 years. I have a boyfriend and six dogs. Check me out and subscribe: https://clarissa-wilson.ck.page/1c42f12a76

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